Human/Parents Interview: Alexa T. Dodd and PPD/PPA
Human/Mother welcomes Substack author of The Distracted Writer!
Human/Parents is an interview series that explores and illuminates various mental health topics that some parents face while simultaneously performing the most important job on the planet: raising the next generation. Guests are Substack creatives who are also parents dealing with one or more of Human/Mother’s rotating monthly mental health topics.
This month’s topic is postpartum anxiety and depression.
So, pour yourself that third cup of coffee, snuggle in, get cozy, and get ready to meet our next guest:
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Hi, Alexa! Thank you so much for being here. Tell us a little about yourself and your Substack. How did you find writing, or, maybe, rather, how did writing find you? What led you to start The Distracted Writer, and what is your goal for your newsletter?
Thank you so much for having me, Katrina, and for providing space for important topics like these!
is a newsletter about storytelling, motherhood/relationships, and the overlap between those topics. I believe the best distractions are where stories take root. In other words, I find that my “distractions” from writing often become my best sources of inspiration. I’ve always viewed my writing as vocational and my three children have added so much depth and joy to that vocation. In the same way, the outlet of writing has helped me in my vocation as a mother.I started my Substack because I wanted a little more autonomy in sharing my writing. I’ve been writing stories for about as long as I can remember (I wrote my first “book” at age four; it was about a banana). I have had a lot of ups and downs in my pursuit of traditional publication and while I still hope to publish a novel someday, I’m using my Substack to reach more readers on my own terms. I publish personal essays that tend toward the lyrical and also share original fiction. My goal is not only to share my writing but also to build a community with the other, truly lovely writers on this platform.
Let’s cut to the chase and get into your postpartum anxiety and depression experience. Tell us about the moment you realized you were struggling. Perhaps, you could provide us with some examples of what your PPD/PPA looked like when you were at your lowest.
PPD and PPA are often difficult to describe because they can stem from many sources and can present in numerous ways. I think sometimes we (or I) can downplay the reality of these diagnoses with phrases like, “Oh it’s just because you’re so sleep deprived” or “It’s just crazy hormones,” etc. And while these factors play a crucial role in anxiety and depression, they don’t make the reality of that suffering any easier to deal with.
With my first son, I think the symptoms really presented the moment we returned from the hospital, when my son was about three days old. I think, technically, they say it’s normal to have “The Baby Blues” in the first two weeks, but I think this phrase can also be a disservice for women because, again, it downplays what we are actually experiencing. I was constantly crying, especially in the evenings, and had this horrible sense that my husband and my baby were going to die. As things progressed, it became more and more difficult for me to sleep even when the baby was sleeping. I also just felt generally unhappy and like I didn’t enjoy being a mother.
When my son was about five months old, I began having suicidal thoughts when I couldn’t sleep at night. I didn’t actually make any plans to harm myself, but I frequently thought about slitting my wrists as a means of escape. Crucially, I remember lying on the living room floor one night with the repeated thought that I was a failure, that I was not meant to be a mother, that my husband and son would be better off without me.
As a reader of The Distracted Writer, I know that you have three small children. I’m curious if you experienced PPD/PPA with each individual child and if the experiences were the same or different? How so?
My symptoms with my first were definitely the longest in duration because it took me a while to seek help. With my second, there were certain elements that were harder: I had a toddler and it was in the middle of the pandemic. My symptoms were actually more intense earlier on, but because I was more aware of what PPD felt like, I was able to seek help much earlier. I keenly remember one night having to hand the baby to my husband because I was afraid of hurting him in my frustration.
With my third, my symptoms were/are generally much better. This was due to a lot of factors (which I’ll get to below). But I did experience something called postpartum rage—I would suddenly become extremely angry and have the urge to smash things and slam doors. I’m generally a patient and calm person, so these symptoms were very overwhelming for me. Thankfully I had a lot more resources to get through it this time.
How did PPD/PPA affect your ability to mother and bond with your child after giving birth? Does it still have an effect on the relationship you have with your child(ren)? In what ways (if at all)?
This is such a great question because I think sometimes mothers think their feelings for their babies need to be all rosy and cheery as a reflection of their love. Now I understand that you can love your baby like crazy and still have negative feelings toward them from time to time. With my first, I felt like I was able to bond with him immediately after birth, but as things progressed, I began to have a harder time. It wasn’t until I sought treatment that I began to enjoy him more. Interestingly, with my second, the feelings were opposite: I didn’t feel as bonded with him until several weeks after birth but then those feelings got stronger. This may, in part, have been because of their personalities. My first was a harder baby and my second was more easygoing. But my third baby has a more similar personality to my oldest and bonding with him has also been consistently easy. Generally speaking, I enjoy my babies more once they are out of the first year, which is always so intense, but I think my PPD/PPA affected my first year with my oldest the most.
I do notice, now, that struggles with my oldest child are more triggering for me for some reason. It’s not that I feel less bonded to him but more so that I become more dysregulated when he is dysregulated. It may be because of my earlier struggles with him and my own feelings of incompetence that still crop up, especially because he is the oldest and everything we are experiencing with him is a first time experience for us as parents.
How did PPD/PPA affect your marriage, and how did you and your partner handle that?
My husband is a really attentive partner and it was his support that prompted me to get help with my first. With each subsequent child, he’s actually taken on more of the baby care when he can; we realized that prioritizing my sleep (because he is not an anxious sleeper) was key for helping my mood, so it’s generally been his job to get the baby back to sleep after I nurse.
I think the postpartum rage with my third probably affected our marriage the most; he and I never yell at each other and we strive to speak kindly even when we are angry. My rage really hurt him at a few points and we had to work through many layers of emotions to get at the heart of my rage and determine what he could do to support me. I also realized that there was a moment with my first when he had not been as present as I needed and that that wound sometimes flared up when I didn’t feel supported. We were able to talk through it and find healing, six years later, for a wound I didn’t realize I’d been harboring. So much of that healing has been in learning to voice what I actually need, rather than bottling it up or expecting him to read my mind.
It’s always been the first year with each baby that has been hardest on our marriage, and while much of that is just owing to how hard babies are, I do think my mood has sometimes created distance between us. It’s an ongoing process of reconnecting and putting in the work to suffer and heal together.
Could you share with us some ways you’ve found to cope with the experience? How are you finding healing or help? Do you have any specific resources to share with our readers?
Because PPD/PPA can have so many root causes, I have found a multifaceted approach to be fruitful. Therapy has been especially helpful, and finding the right therapist made all the difference. With my second, I started seeing a therapist who used “Internal Family Systems,” which essentially involves seeing the various parts of yourself as a kind of family that you are trying to bring together in love. So rather than shunning or silencing that part of myself I was most afraid of, I tuned into that part. Those suicidal thoughts were a cry for help, asking me (my core self) not to downgrade or dismiss the feelings of isolation. I’ve learned, now, that when I start feeling very anxious or depressed, it’s usually a sign that I need to take a few minutes to myself and check in with that part of myself and let her know she is heard. Journaling has been very therapeutic for this.
I am on an antidepressant (Zoloft) and I think staying on the medication throughout my third pregnancy/into the postpartum period was an added defense (I got off it before my second was born and I think that may have been why my symptoms flared up so strongly immediately after his birth).
With my third, I also decided to try placenta encapsulation and hormonal therapy with progesterone pills. I really think these made a difference! Immediately after birth, your body undergoes a massive drop in hormones, so supplementing under the care of my midwife seemed to help keep my mood more stable.
Since my first son’s birth, I’ve also been so blessed to build a community of mothers in similar stages of life. This “village” was and continues to be so healing as I navigate life as a mother of three. Sometimes, it really helps to text a group of moms about how exhausted and overwhelmed you are to hear you are not alone! I was also blessed with an amazing doula after the birth of my second, who encouraged me to get the care I needed more quickly. With my third, I had the most attentive midwife who made me feel heard and cared for throughout pregnancy and the postpartum period.
Like I said above, hormones, sleep deprivation, and outside circumstances can contribute to PPD/PPA. So doing what I can to support those aspects of my life has been healing. Perhaps more so, understanding what is going on with my body has been empowering. I’ve learned that breastfeeding drastically affects my mood—that feeling that my husband and baby were going to die was actually deeply tied to my milk coming in. That doesn’t mean those feelings weren’t real! But understanding why I was suddenly feeling that way was comforting. Similarly, sleep deprivation is literally a form of torture. Our culture tends to laugh off this aspect of the newborn days but to me it was not a laughing matter. It was literally life and death.
I also discovered during my pregnancy with my third that I had significantly low iron levels, which can contribute to depression and anxiety. An iron supplement, adrenal cocktails, and self-care through exercise have all helped me to cope. But I want to note that I don’t think I could have had the mental/emotional strength to take on these approaches if I didn’t first get care through therapy and medication. When my first was about a month old, my mom suggested some light exercise (I’d been approved by the doctor) to help my mood. I remember going to the gym and just crying the whole time (and not in a fun, Taylor Swift way). I needed more time/intervention to even get to the point of “self-care.”
For new mothers who are struggling right now with PPD/PPA, what advice do you have for them? Did you adopt a mantra, meditation, or growth mindset that was helpful to you throughout your experiences with PPD/PPA?
You are not alone! So many mothers experience some version of PPD/PPA and it absolutely has nothing to do with how good of a mother you are. I say this because a large part of my depression has been in feelings of failure, that I’m not good enough. I’ve since learned to recognize that this is the part of me that actually really, really loves my children and wants to be the best I can be for them. Accepting that I am enough even in my feelings of anxiety and depression—and accepting the help of family and friends—is a continual process.
With each baby, but especially with my third, I have been learning to embrace multiple feelings at the same time. It seems like something I should be better at as a thirty-two-year-old adult, but the truth is that I often experience pressure—perhaps because of social media and its lack of nuance—to only feel one feeling. Something needs to be either bad or good. But that’s not how we experience reality. We can swing between feelings from one minute to the next; we can feel both deeply grateful for our babies and utterly broken by the experience of motherhood. And this is okay. I find this mindset to be even more helpful than the saying that “things will get easier.” Things do get easier, but sometimes they get harder. We just have to take life one moment at a time, choosing to love our children and ourselves through each moment.
Is there a question that I haven’t asked that you wish I would have? (And, pretty please, answer it! 🙂)
Thank you again for giving space to this topic! I think the only thing I would note is the difference between postpartum psychosis and PPD/PPA. Postpartum psychosis—thinking your baby isn’t yours, hallucinations, etc.---is real, but (from what I’ve read) very rare. However, I think it is often the form of postpartum illness that is depicted in film and television. I think it took me so long to be diagnosed with my first because I didn’t think my symptoms were that bad. But I was actually comparing my struggles to postpartum psychosis. I think it’s so important to seek help and support no matter how “small” your symptoms may seem. I also think seeking a care provider who takes you seriously and offers resources for holistic healing can be helpful.
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Wow! Thank you so much for being vulnerable and sharing so many important pieces of your motherhood journey with us,
! I appreciate your vulnerability and willingness to dive into such an important topic, particularly for new moms. I’m also a reader and fan of your newsletter, , and have thoroughly enjoyed reading your essays. I recommend it to anyone who is looking for light-hearted reads about motherhood and life!If you or someone you know has experienced or is experiencing postpartum depression or anxiety, please consider sharing this post, commenting, or tapping that heart below. Tell us your story, offer any advice or wisdom gained through your own personal experience, and/or let us know which details of Alexa’s story you found relatable, helpful, or hopeful.
Wherever you are in your journey, know that you deserve peace, hope, and love.
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