Human/Parents Interview: Julia Garza and Parental Estrangement
Human/Mother welcomes the Substack author of The Workbooks!
Human/Parents is an interview series that explores and illuminates various mental health topics that some parents face while simultaneously performing the most important job on the planet: raising the next generation. Guests are Substack creatives who are also parents dealing with one or more of Human/Mother’s rotating monthly mental health topics.
This month’s topic is parental estrangement.
So, pour yourself that third cup of coffee, snuggle in, get cozy, and get ready to meet our guest: from !
What would be your Substack short bio if your Substack was centered around YOU as a person?
Writer, knitter, mom of 3. Appreciates dark chocolate, John Mayer, and romance novels.
What is your actual Substack short bio, and what’s your vision/goal for your Substack newsletter?
Writer, mom of 3, lapsed public librarian. I write about living a creative life in the margins, and my goal is to inspire as many people as possible to make their art in whatever time they have available to them, even if it’s only 15 minutes a day.
You’ve written a memoir that centers around the tumultuous relationship you had with your father (and your eventual estrangement), and I want to get into that topic with you as someone who has also cut off ties with her own father. How old were you when you made that decision? How old was your father at the time?
I was 23; my dad was 51.
Was the decision sudden or gradual? How so?
It was gradual. The beginning of the end for me, I think, was my dad missing my college graduation because he’d been convicted of a DUI again.
Throughout my childhood, my dad was fond of saying that my mom “took you away from me,” after she remarried and we moved from Texas to upstate New York. I moved back to Texas for college (notably, I ended a period of estrangement after an argument he and I had during a visit when I was 15 to do so, since I needed to be on his tax return for tuition purposes) and even ended up transferring to the college in the town where he lived. I couldn’t believe that he had to do next to nothing to show up for one of the biggest moments in my life, and he still wasn’t there.
A few months later, I was with my then-boyfriend in Austin and ran into a musician who knew my dad. It was the oddest conversation of my life, because the musician was trying to communicate to me that he’d heard my dad was out of jail, while sizing up my then-boyfriend (a very corporate MBA type) and realizing I might not be super open with the boyfriend about what was going on with my dad. He was sort of right, because at the time, I wanted to marry this guy and knew there was no way I would ever introduce him to my dad, although the boyfriend did know what was going on.
My dad had a lifestyle that was very different from mine, and the closer I got to getting married and having a family of my own, the more I questioned how much access he should have. Eventually it got to a point where I was dating someone (my now husband) I knew I would one day have children with, and realizing that I didn’t want my babies to be hurt and disappointed by my dad the same way I was. The only way to prevent that would be to cut him off completely.
Were there other family members who followed suit or criticized you? Can you tell us more about how you navigated that?
I have one sibling who was also estranged from our dad. His reasons are probably a little bit different from mine, but they were already not speaking when I stopped talking to my dad. My dad never made a consistent effort to keep in touch with my brother. My godmother is my dad’s first cousin and we have always remained in touch, and at times I felt like she did not understand why I was keeping my distance from him. Once she suggested that I get back in touch for the sake of my kids, that they were missing out on having a grandfather. But my kids do have two very loving, very involved grandfathers in their lives: my father-in-law and my stepfather.
Did you feel guilt or shame in making the decision? And, what did you do about it?
Lots and lots of guilt. My dad had already experienced the actual loss of a child, my oldest brother. I knew he’d feel like he’d lost me, too. Plus, I was raised Catholic so I feel guilty for just about everything! I coped by writing, and by reading memoirs written by women with complicated relationships with their dads. My favorites are:
How many years has it been now? (It’s been five for me.) How have your feelings changed, or how has your perspective shifted (if at all)? Do you still struggle with feelings of anger, sadness, shame, etc.?
My dad died this past February, and it had been 16 years. The longer the estrangement went on, the more I questioned if it was the right decision. I really missed my dad, although I did not miss the anxiety and hurt that came along with a relationship with him. I had at least three conversations with people over the years, wondering if I should let him back into my life, but always ended up thinking I needed to keep things as they were. I’m still sad that my dad was not around for most of my life. It’s a slightly different sad now because I know there’s no chance of reconciliation.
Since becoming a mother, how has the experience been for you as someone not in contact with her biological father? Do you find that the pain of the estrangement has intensified or alleviated? Have there been new emotions come into play?
I think it helps that I was estranged from my dad, not my mom. Perhaps I would feel differently if my husband and I had a daughter together, but there really is no father-daughter relationship in my life to project any feelings onto! Sometimes there are feelings of annoyance, like, you really couldn’t have done more to protect me? Prior to estrangement in my early 20s, I often felt like my dad gave up too easily. He didn’t fight my mom on moving us halfway across the country. He’d dip in and out of my life, sometimes losing my phone number. I can’t imagine letting go of my kids as easily as it seemed he did with my brother and me.
How do you handle the topic when it arises amongst new friends or acquaintances? Do you find that people are understanding or the contrary? How do you deal with the latter?
It doesn’t come up that often, especially since my stepdad is still very much around. It probably looks like I still have two parents who are married to each other! No one has ever suggested I’m a bad person for choosing to keep my distance. When my dad died, I made a post on social media and that allowed me to connect on a deeper level with friends I’d met more recently who had similar situations with their parents.
Have you talked about your dad with your kids? If so, what have you said? And, if not, do you have a plan or idea how you might explain things to them?
I have three boys (11, 7, and 3). My oldest does know, but it’s not something that ranks on his list of concerns! I told him that my dad wasn’t a safe person for me to be around and that’s why he wasn’t a part of my life. My other two kids are too young to understand any part of it. I do have pictures of my dad around the house, so maybe one day they’ll ask and we’ll talk about it then.
What would you say to someone who is thinking about cutting ties with a toxic parent?
Estrangement can be really hard, but maintaining a relationship with a toxic parent might be harder. If you can get into therapy, do it.
What question have I not asked you that you really wish that I would have asked (and pretty please answer it, too!)?
“Do you have any regrets about not talking to your dad before he passed?”
I think the biggest question for anyone who is estranged from a parent (or is contemplating it) is, how will I feel when this person is no longer around to potentially repair the relationship? My initial reaction to learning he had passed was deep, deep grief. I felt, although possibly I am wrong, that others, like my godmother, assumed I would not care or that I did not love him. I did love him, very much, it was just really hard to be his kid. Selfishly, I always hoped that I might have some chance to say goodbye. I know my brother wished the same. But, that’s not reality, even in best case scenarios. In the immediate aftermath of his death, I cycled through all of the emotions. At one point, I was just pissed at him again because his brother said some really awful things to me. He also had a really sketchy friend that was tied up in some of his personal affairs, and I had to navigate that, too.
But, I’ve come back to a similar place I was before. I miss him and wish he could have been part of my life. There are so many things I wish had played out differently. But I feel at peace with how things ended up; he did not die alone or homeless or in jail. I was able to get the things from his house that I desperately wanted, and my brother was able to help me. My dad got the send off he wanted, which was to be cremated with some of his ashes scattered on my brother’s grave. I am so glad he had a conversation with a friend shortly before he passed about what he would want to happen.
Fin.
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Thank you, Julia, for sharing a piece of your story with us here at Human/Mother! I appreciate your vulnerability and willingness to dive into this taboo topic, and I look forward to reading your serialized memoir here on Substack. If you’re interested in reading along, too, please subscribe to
’s newsletter, The Workbooks.If you or someone you know is considering cutting or has cut ties with a toxic parent, please share this post, comment, or tap that heart below. Tell us your story, offer any advice or wisdom gained through your own personal experience with parental estrangement, and/or let us know which details of Julia’s story you found relatable, helpful, or hopeful.
Wherever you are in your journey, know that you deserve peace, hope, and love.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I relate to a lot of what you've written even though our situations are different. I became estranged from my alcoholic mom a few years ago and it's been challenging because my kids had a relationship with her. I tried to support some connection between them but it became increasingly difficult as addiction progressed.
I've been craving stories from other people who are estranged. Reading this was very validating. I'll definitely check out those books you mentioned, too.