I appreciate you sharing your story, Charlotte, and I hope plenty of fathers are aware of this. I've briefly shared my wife's troubles before, but just to recap, from a father's perspective. My now [ex-]wife struggled mightily with postpartum depression but she had no problems at all breastfeeding. In fact, she was so depressed that all she wanted to do was sleep and was happy to breastfeed/nap with our daughter. Otherwise, it was hard to get her to do much in the first year or so. We - me, her sister and mother - tried to help, I was the one reading the books and doing what I thought I could but she closed herself off and it was tough.
I did what I thought was right - I reassured her that it's okay to feel this way, that she wasn't a 'terrible mother', it's normal to feel down. I kept thinking of things from our daughter's point of view -for her sake, try to be more positive (as hard as that may be).
If I can be instructive for other parents, then what I made the mistake of was not being as affectionate to my wife as a husband. I wanted us to be a happy family instead of making time for us to be a couple. I spent as much time as I could with our daughter and once she reached the age of 2, I was spending more time with her, which has continued until now (she's 7). My ex- still laments the fact that she's a 'terrible mother' but our daughter is perfectly fine and loves her mummy very much. She appears not to be affected and even our subsequent divorce seems to be going down okay (we still co-habit, but that's because of life circumstances - a long story for another time).
That totally makes sense, and I'm sorry to hear that things didn't work out. Any end in life is painful; I hope that your ex-wife can find ways to come back to herself and love herself despite her struggles, and I hope you can, too. It's hard but necessary work, IMO. Thank you so much for reading and sharing your story! It's always refreshing to hear from a dad's perspective, and I hope that more fathers continue to chime in in these important discussions surrounding mothers' mental health. I believe our stories are essential to our journeys as parents; we can learn so much from one another.
This brought tears to my eyes. It's so wonderful to read pieces like this and they have helped me stop beating myself up over how depressed I was for the first month or two of my son's life. The way new mothers are treated, especially when it comes to feeding issues, is a recipe for disaster. I, too, reached my lowest point after being told my son wasn't gaining enough (he was) and felt like he was better off without me. I felt worthless because breastfeeding was challenging. It was a traumatic experience in many ways but like you, I have healed so much. I wouldn't exactly say I'm glad I had PPD, but it did play a huge role in my learning to accept my feelings and stop resisting them.
I'm also so heartened to hear that it was easier for you when you had subsequent children. I am now on SSRIs as well and working with a perinatal psychiatrist but we hope to have more kids. I have faith that it can be easier the next time around!
I'm so glad that you have started to take measures to take care of yourself, Kelly! I hope you continue to heal and find peace in your life--I agree with Charlotte that it was a bit easier the second time around because I was more equipped and motivated to be proactive, which is what you're doing now, so I think that's a step in the right direction. I hope you continue to follow the series this month, and I look forward to "seeing" you around Human/Mother! Thank you for reading and your comment!
I'm so pleased my words could help a little, Kelly. I actually found being able to breastfeed my younger two incredibly healing. I'm sure I was suffering PTSD from the trauma (physical and mental) of what happened when I tried to feed my first, so it was an incredibly proud and empowering move for me when I decided to try feeding again anyway.
My own experience is definitely that it was easier, and I certainly didn't suffer mentally the way I did with my first. I think, for me, the shock of motherhood had worn off by the time my second arrived, and I felt like I knew what I was doing. Wishing you all the very best going forward xo
Charlotte, your determination and resilience helped you find positivity and growth, to the benefit of everyone around you. Your words are wise and wonderful advice for new parents. Thank you for sharing this part of your experience of motherhood.
Two awesome ladies here!!! Thank you for sharing this. When you reflected on loving your son in comparison to your own upbringing (the thought-cycle of "How could someone not love (me) as a baby?"), it felt rly guttural to me. I had very similar thoughts right after my daughter was born and had no clue that others have also been diving into their childhood memories in this way until I read that paragraph. Super vulnerable/beautiful catharsis about PPD and I love this series ❤️
Same, Violet! It's really validating to hear other moms' experiences and the hurt that one can feel (from childhood) alongside the joy (in parenthood), which is the main reason why I really wanted to bring this series to life because I could have really benefitted from these kinds of stories in my early motherhood days. And, of course, I'm so appreciative to Charlotte for coming on and sharing so vulnerably. ❤️❤️❤️
Thank you again for having me ❤️
It was such a pleasure and an honor!
❤️
I appreciate you sharing your story, Charlotte, and I hope plenty of fathers are aware of this. I've briefly shared my wife's troubles before, but just to recap, from a father's perspective. My now [ex-]wife struggled mightily with postpartum depression but she had no problems at all breastfeeding. In fact, she was so depressed that all she wanted to do was sleep and was happy to breastfeed/nap with our daughter. Otherwise, it was hard to get her to do much in the first year or so. We - me, her sister and mother - tried to help, I was the one reading the books and doing what I thought I could but she closed herself off and it was tough.
I did what I thought was right - I reassured her that it's okay to feel this way, that she wasn't a 'terrible mother', it's normal to feel down. I kept thinking of things from our daughter's point of view -for her sake, try to be more positive (as hard as that may be).
If I can be instructive for other parents, then what I made the mistake of was not being as affectionate to my wife as a husband. I wanted us to be a happy family instead of making time for us to be a couple. I spent as much time as I could with our daughter and once she reached the age of 2, I was spending more time with her, which has continued until now (she's 7). My ex- still laments the fact that she's a 'terrible mother' but our daughter is perfectly fine and loves her mummy very much. She appears not to be affected and even our subsequent divorce seems to be going down okay (we still co-habit, but that's because of life circumstances - a long story for another time).
I hope all that made some sort of sense.
Thank you so much for sharing your experience, Daniel
That totally makes sense, and I'm sorry to hear that things didn't work out. Any end in life is painful; I hope that your ex-wife can find ways to come back to herself and love herself despite her struggles, and I hope you can, too. It's hard but necessary work, IMO. Thank you so much for reading and sharing your story! It's always refreshing to hear from a dad's perspective, and I hope that more fathers continue to chime in in these important discussions surrounding mothers' mental health. I believe our stories are essential to our journeys as parents; we can learn so much from one another.
This brought tears to my eyes. It's so wonderful to read pieces like this and they have helped me stop beating myself up over how depressed I was for the first month or two of my son's life. The way new mothers are treated, especially when it comes to feeding issues, is a recipe for disaster. I, too, reached my lowest point after being told my son wasn't gaining enough (he was) and felt like he was better off without me. I felt worthless because breastfeeding was challenging. It was a traumatic experience in many ways but like you, I have healed so much. I wouldn't exactly say I'm glad I had PPD, but it did play a huge role in my learning to accept my feelings and stop resisting them.
I'm also so heartened to hear that it was easier for you when you had subsequent children. I am now on SSRIs as well and working with a perinatal psychiatrist but we hope to have more kids. I have faith that it can be easier the next time around!
I'm so glad that you have started to take measures to take care of yourself, Kelly! I hope you continue to heal and find peace in your life--I agree with Charlotte that it was a bit easier the second time around because I was more equipped and motivated to be proactive, which is what you're doing now, so I think that's a step in the right direction. I hope you continue to follow the series this month, and I look forward to "seeing" you around Human/Mother! Thank you for reading and your comment!
I'm so pleased my words could help a little, Kelly. I actually found being able to breastfeed my younger two incredibly healing. I'm sure I was suffering PTSD from the trauma (physical and mental) of what happened when I tried to feed my first, so it was an incredibly proud and empowering move for me when I decided to try feeding again anyway.
My own experience is definitely that it was easier, and I certainly didn't suffer mentally the way I did with my first. I think, for me, the shock of motherhood had worn off by the time my second arrived, and I felt like I knew what I was doing. Wishing you all the very best going forward xo
Charlotte, your determination and resilience helped you find positivity and growth, to the benefit of everyone around you. Your words are wise and wonderful advice for new parents. Thank you for sharing this part of your experience of motherhood.
Thank you so much for your kind words.
Two awesome ladies here!!! Thank you for sharing this. When you reflected on loving your son in comparison to your own upbringing (the thought-cycle of "How could someone not love (me) as a baby?"), it felt rly guttural to me. I had very similar thoughts right after my daughter was born and had no clue that others have also been diving into their childhood memories in this way until I read that paragraph. Super vulnerable/beautiful catharsis about PPD and I love this series ❤️
Oh yeah, I've been DEEEEP into my childhood trauma since becoming a mother, all against my will 😂
Have you seen Nightbitch? It comes up as a theme in that, too. I'd bet it's a lot more common than we think
I have! I read the book too — I thought it was a rly cool narrative concept. And I agree, I imagine it comes up for more ladies than we think… ❤️
I couldn’t get into the book, must try again
Also feel I should confirm that when I said it was all against my will, I just meant the reliving of trauma, not the having of children 😅
I haven't read it yet or see the movie, but it's in my TBR pile so hope to get to it this summer!
Same, Violet! It's really validating to hear other moms' experiences and the hurt that one can feel (from childhood) alongside the joy (in parenthood), which is the main reason why I really wanted to bring this series to life because I could have really benefitted from these kinds of stories in my early motherhood days. And, of course, I'm so appreciative to Charlotte for coming on and sharing so vulnerably. ❤️❤️❤️
Absolutely — it is incredibly validating and comforting, despite it being awful to share in certain elements? So appreciative of your series ❤️
2 great ladies and I appreciate you both! Charlotte- always a pleasure to get your realness ;).
Thank you so much for reading x
Thank you, Julia! I feel the love. 🥰