Human/Parents Interview: Denise Mills and Parental Estrangement

For its series debut, Human/Mother welcomes the Substack author of Tiny Simple Pleasures!

Human/Parents is an interview series that explores and illuminates various mental health topics that some parents face while simultaneously performing the most important job on the planet: raising the next generation. Guests are Substack creatives who are also parents dealing with one or more of Human/Mother’s rotating monthly mental health topics.

This month’s topic is parental estrangement.

So, pour yourself that third cup of coffee, snuggle in, get cozy, and get ready to meet our first guest:

Denise Mills

from

Tiny Simple Pleasures

!

Human/Parents’ first guest: Denise Mills!!!

Denise Mills is an Australian freelance writer whose personal essays have been featured in The Guardian, Sydney Morning Herald, Mamamia, and more. Her creative non-fiction and poetry have been featured in Brevity, Epoch, and other literary publications.

A self-described “glorious fuck up who learns everything the hard way,” Denise’s vision for her Substack is to be a place for authentic connection, non-religious spirituality, and embracing the light and shade of life with gratitude. She believes perfection is overrated; you can have a great life regardless of your childhood, and sometimes it can make you even more than you otherwise would have been.

Last October, you wrote an essay titled “When he died, I hadn’t spoken to my father for 17 years. I have no regrets.” The memoir-style piece centers around your tumultuous relationship with your father (and your eventual estrangement). I want to get into that topic with you as someone who has also cut ties with her father. What led you to make that decision? How old were you when you made that decision, and how old was your father at the time?

I was 25 years old and my father would have been around 56. My mother had just died, and I was trying to connect with him in some way, mostly out of politeness and a sense of obligation. He had always been verbally abusive – the kind of man who’d go red in the face and clench his fist over a spilt glass of water, or a woman on TV looking unattractive – and his life revolved around alcohol. I never really liked him and was just “doing the right thing.” It was a weekend, and I’d stopped by for a visit. He was standing at the fence drinking, and I wandered over and said something to the effect of “I feel sad about Mum.” He snapped back, “Well how do you think I feel?” This was such a normal way for him to behave, but I was tired of it. I decided to stop visiting and moved to a different town.

Did you feel guilt or shame when you decided to estrange your father? Were there other family members who followed suit or criticized you?

I was very lucky that he was never a nice person. That sounds like a strange thing to say, but I believe it’s much harder for people who have an abusive or negligent parent who is sometimes nice to them. The fact that he was consistently volatile meant that even when I was very young, I always saw him as someone to stay away from. I wanted my mother to get a divorce, and I would daydream about us living without him. But for reasons I can’t understand, she was very much in love. It wasn’t about financial dependence; she was the sole income earner for our family of five on a very low office administration wage, so we would have been far better off if she left. I don’t feel guilty about my decision; I think it was the best thing I’ve ever done as an act of self-care. My father created a world for himself where he made it very difficult for people to care about him, so there were a number of other family members who also cut ties.

How many years has it been now? (It’s been five years for me.) How have your feelings changed, or how has your perspective shifted—if at all? Do you still struggle with any lingering or unresolved feelings of anger, sadness, shame, etc.?

He died three years ago but I cut ties with him back in 2005. I don’t struggle with feelings of anger, sadness, or shame. I think I did the right thing. Too often we try to do what society expects of us, but it can come at a terrible cost.

That said, there was a period of time when I was very angry with my mother for putting my father above herself and us kids, and I considered cutting ties with both of them. I would have regretted that decision. This was when I was in my early twenties, so it was before Mum’s cancer diagnosis. I had my own child who was (and is) so loved, and I centred my life around him. I was so angry with her for not loving her kids the same way I loved my son. As I said, she was the sole income earner; we often didn’t have proper school uniforms or much food, but my Dad always had alcohol, nice clothes, and food (a lot of stuff was set aside as his food). But I’m glad I didn’t cut ties with her. She was so stressed all the time. I think she was a good person who just lost control of her life, piece by piece, and started normalising a really fucked-up dynamic. My brother theorises that she had some form of Stockholm Syndrome.

So while I don’t feel any grief or sadness about cutting ties with my father, if I had cut ties with both of them, I would feel sadness about it. My mother and I really bonded in her last few months, and it was beautiful. But even if I did make that choice, I would forgive myself knowing that I did what I believed was best at the time. Self-hatred is a waste of energy.

As a mother yourself, do you find that the pain of the estrangement has intensified or alleviated once you had your child? Have there been new emotions come into play?

My son is 26, so I had him a very long time ago. I was quite young and had zero standards; I thought that anyone who gave me five minutes of attention was the best person in the world, simply because it was something I’d never had before! Poor Mum was solely focused on full-time work while trying to pacify Dad, and Dad was focused on being outraged about everything.

There was no pain of estrangement, and after having my son I felt even more strongly that I did the right thing by cutting ties with my father. I would never encourage anyone to stay in a relationship that’s one-sided and abusive, even when it’s with family. Someone pointed out to me the other day that we speak differently to people who cut ties with abusive partners than we do to people who cut ties with abusive parents. When someone leaves an abusive partner we generally consider them to be “strong” (I know there are exceptions to this). But when someone cuts ties with an abusive parent, we consider them to be “bad daughters/sons”. I think that’s crazy.

How do you handle the topic when it arises amongst new friends or acquaintances? Do you find that people are understanding or the contrary? How do you deal with the latter?

Most people are very understanding but not everyone. I mention in the piece that in my thirties, I had a boss who told me I should reconcile with my father, without knowing anything about my story. “You only have one father,” he said. I used to get defensive about that sort of thing and give an extreme example of my father’s behaviour to justify myself. Now I just don’t care.

Have you talked about your dad with your son? If so, what have you said?

My son is aware of what sort of person my father was. I only shared small bits and pieces when he was young, but now, if it comes up in conversation, I’m very open and factual about it. He once said that he thought it was sad that I didn’t have a good childhood. I told him there were definitely good parts (they didn’t involve my father, but there were still good parts). I also tell him that I’m really grateful for my childhood because while I wouldn’t go back, it’s helped shape who I am. And I like who I am.

Fin.

***

Thank you, Denise, for sharing a piece of your story with us here at Human/Mother. I personally found your story relatable, moving, and inspiring, and I’m sure others dealing with parental estrangement will feel the same. Thank you!

If you or someone you know is considering or has cut ties with a toxic parent, please share this post, comment, or tap that heart below. Tell us your story, offer any advice or wisdom gained through your own personal experience with parental estrangement, and/or let us know which details of Denise’s story you found relatable, moving, or inspiring.

Wherever you are in your journey, know that you deserve peace, hope, and love.