Thank you. It helped to read this . I was estranged 32 years from my mother before her death. On and off estranged from my father my whole life. I’ve always felt alone and judged. I'm working on a memoir-ish poetry collection now that's all about my matrilinial line. I believe now others can relate. Oh, and don't believe we only get one mother or one father. I've had several loving ones.
I'd be interested in reading your work, Ren! Thank you so much for sharing a little of your story. Estrangement is such a challenging topic to navigate--both internally and externally. And, I am happy to say that I agree with you on having several loving mothers and fathers throughout life! :) Thanks for stopping by. I hope to connect again in the future!
I've had several people tell me that I should work on reconciling with my parents. But it isn't possible. And they don't understand why it isn't possible.
For one, my father is in prison for his crimes against me and there is a no contact order between us. I had the opportunity to read a statement in court. And my final words to him were that I would pray he would admit the truth of his own actions, and that his sentence would not be the end of his story, and that I would always love him even with everything that stands between us.
My mother is in denial about her own abusive behavior and makes excuses for it.
It is interesting, though, how the responsibility for reconciliation is usually placed on the child in these situations, not the parent. In most cases, it ought to rest on the parent to reconcile with their child.
Thank you, Iryna, for reading and sharing a piece of your story here. How brave of you to make that final statement in court! I don't know if I could have done that if I were in your shoes. And, I agree with you about that last bit--Why should the child bear the responsibility to reconcile with the parent? It makes no sense. I'd be curious to hear more about how you're finding peace and hope these days...?
The end of the case and parting ways with my mother is too recent to find much peace.
Some days are torn by anger and grief.
But I have my writing, good books, good music, and good friends. They do not understand from experience what I'm dealing with, but they do their best. And I have long walks, and long drives. And quiet nights to cry when I need to.
I can imagine and relate to some degree. I also find solace in the things you mentioned here, so it's comforting to know that they bring you some sort of peace, too. Lately, I have found myself crying while driving with my youngest daughter in the car to pickup my eldest from school. I turn the music up and let the tears flow. It's helpful to get that emotion out even if I'm doing so under a time constraint. I wish you more days of rest and peace, and thank you for being here!
No-nothings encouraging reconciliation are very unhelpful. But you do learn to brush them off. Great point about people seeing abusive relationships in the opposite light when it’s a parent not a partner, too. Most people I’ve encountered consider it a weakness, for sure.
Thank you for your comment and for reading, Toby! I think it's high-time for our culture to do away with the "default" questions/answers surrounding complex topics. If the topic does emerge, I don't beat around the bush. I usually say, "I don't have a relationship with my father" or "My dad and I are no longer communicating." I find that if you answer the question directly, it quickly puts an end to the conversation/further prying. Fortunately, this scenario hasn't happened very often for me in the last five years.
I related to a lot of this. 🩵 "We speak differently to people who cut ties with abusive partners than we do to people who cut ties with abusive parents." So true, I'd never thought about it that way. 😔
Fabulous to see this talked about, thank you! Note to self: finish that piece I drafted about being an estranged daughter!!
You're welcome! Send me that piece when it's finished ;) I'd love to read it!
Thank you. It helped to read this . I was estranged 32 years from my mother before her death. On and off estranged from my father my whole life. I’ve always felt alone and judged. I'm working on a memoir-ish poetry collection now that's all about my matrilinial line. I believe now others can relate. Oh, and don't believe we only get one mother or one father. I've had several loving ones.
I'd be interested in reading your work, Ren! Thank you so much for sharing a little of your story. Estrangement is such a challenging topic to navigate--both internally and externally. And, I am happy to say that I agree with you on having several loving mothers and fathers throughout life! :) Thanks for stopping by. I hope to connect again in the future!
Thank you for sharing this.
So many important points mentioned here.
I've had several people tell me that I should work on reconciling with my parents. But it isn't possible. And they don't understand why it isn't possible.
For one, my father is in prison for his crimes against me and there is a no contact order between us. I had the opportunity to read a statement in court. And my final words to him were that I would pray he would admit the truth of his own actions, and that his sentence would not be the end of his story, and that I would always love him even with everything that stands between us.
My mother is in denial about her own abusive behavior and makes excuses for it.
It is interesting, though, how the responsibility for reconciliation is usually placed on the child in these situations, not the parent. In most cases, it ought to rest on the parent to reconcile with their child.
Thank you, Iryna, for reading and sharing a piece of your story here. How brave of you to make that final statement in court! I don't know if I could have done that if I were in your shoes. And, I agree with you about that last bit--Why should the child bear the responsibility to reconcile with the parent? It makes no sense. I'd be curious to hear more about how you're finding peace and hope these days...?
The end of the case and parting ways with my mother is too recent to find much peace.
Some days are torn by anger and grief.
But I have my writing, good books, good music, and good friends. They do not understand from experience what I'm dealing with, but they do their best. And I have long walks, and long drives. And quiet nights to cry when I need to.
I can imagine and relate to some degree. I also find solace in the things you mentioned here, so it's comforting to know that they bring you some sort of peace, too. Lately, I have found myself crying while driving with my youngest daughter in the car to pickup my eldest from school. I turn the music up and let the tears flow. It's helpful to get that emotion out even if I'm doing so under a time constraint. I wish you more days of rest and peace, and thank you for being here!
The people who tell you that are ignorant. They have no idea of the harm they're causing by assuming that your story is the same as their story.
So true.
They have their own stories, and they have made their own decisions.
No-nothings encouraging reconciliation are very unhelpful. But you do learn to brush them off. Great point about people seeing abusive relationships in the opposite light when it’s a parent not a partner, too. Most people I’ve encountered consider it a weakness, for sure.
Thank you for your comment and for reading, Toby! I think it's high-time for our culture to do away with the "default" questions/answers surrounding complex topics. If the topic does emerge, I don't beat around the bush. I usually say, "I don't have a relationship with my father" or "My dad and I are no longer communicating." I find that if you answer the question directly, it quickly puts an end to the conversation/further prying. Fortunately, this scenario hasn't happened very often for me in the last five years.
Yeah, I’m pretty direct! Even find myself slipping into past tense.
I related to a lot of this. 🩵 "We speak differently to people who cut ties with abusive partners than we do to people who cut ties with abusive parents." So true, I'd never thought about it that way. 😔
I'm sorry to hear you relate, but I'm happy to hear you feel seen by this piece. Thank you for reading, Moorea! Sending you love!
Thanks Katrina, honoured to be featured on your publication!
You're welcome, Denise! I'm so grateful for your willingness to participate and share. ❤️ Thank you!