Mills, thank you for this, deeply. My own parents are still around but i have cut them out of my life (for their good and mine) which is it’s own, different thing. I labor under the strange “burden of NOT talking about” some of the events of my own life (a turn of phrase i find useful even though i still cant talk about it). But the clarity, perspective, and dare i say “serenity” you project, whether or not you feel it, is infectious. I really wonder what i will feel when my parents eventually die, and i think you’d dislike me saying youve offered a map but youve certainly offered an example of candor with ones circumstances. We need not lie to ourselves, need not overblow events nor under-state them. They “simply” are. And we can draw conclusions from that and change our lives from that but we cant change *them*. Being able to accept them, in life and death, feels like a path to peace.
Thanks, Mills. God bless you and yours! And thanks Katrina for doing this interview. Wonderful work being done here!
I had to cut mom off for a while, just a bit over two years; when we picked things up again, she’d managed to get a little better about some things and I’d managed to get a little less affected by some things, although I can’t say that the relationship was wholly sound thereafter. That just wasn’t in the cards for us, and it did weigh on me a bit after she died. Abby also cut off her brother, and they never reconciled; he died a few years ago too, not in a suicide, but as a result of a suicidal lifestyle.
It’s no picnic with families, is it? Bless you and yours too, Scoot; you’re the man IMNSHO.
Hi, Scoot! Whew--heard! I cut my dad off over five years ago and have arrived at a more peaceful place in regards to my decision. My relationship with my mother is still somewhat in tact though that has changed a great deal since my brother's suicide. I find that hearing about others' difficult experiences and complex relationships to be comforting, which is why I want to bring light to stories like Mills'. Thank you for reading and sharing what you have here. I hope you find moments of peace.
This was great! I have similar parents, though perhaps my mother is a bit more unstable while my father has yet to develop an addiction. In terms of talking to kids about it - my grandfather died by suicide, and I was told a watered-down version as a kid. And then never told the truth until I started asking questions in my 40s. To realize everything I was told was a lie — I felt, once again, ignored and minimized. Had I not asked what really happened, I never would have learned the beautiful along with the horror, like he died with a picture of me in his wallet - the only picture. I don’t blame my parents so much for not being honest, as society makes it very hard to talk about suicide, especially to kids.
All the things associated with pain and grief can be so overwhelming, especially as one enters parenthood and has to answer the hard questions posed by your little ones. I don't have all the answers, but I'm trying, and by trying, I mean, talking with others about the hard stuff. Thank you for reading, Joy! I am grateful for your support. 🙏🏼💕
Mills, thank you for your generosity in sharing what you've shared here. And I think Scoot is right about how you've laid out a remarkably sound and compassionate way forward for people who struggle with family trauma. And the way you are working to consciously lead by a different example for your own children is incredibly inspiring. Seriously, thank you - I needed this today, and I expect I will need to return to it again in the future. (And thank you to Katrina for providing the space for this conversation to happen and asking such insightful questions).
What a tremendous interview. Thank you for sharing your very personal insights about your parents and in-laws. I agree that this world, while containing pain and trauma, has a fraction of what the average person dealt with 1000 years ago. I try to remember the beauty, even when I'm at my lowest.
My teen-aged son Lucas died by suicide four years ago. I write about how his death has affected those who knew him and how I’ve been working through the grief. I hope that my writing can help people who have suffered a similar loss.
Thank you, Aaron, for stopping by and reading my interview with Mills. I'm so sorry for your loss--it is gutting. I'll be sure to check out your Substack soon! ❤️
Thank you for posting your interview. I’ll be conducting a few interviews with people regarding their experiences with Lucas over the next month or so. You’ve given me a few ideas of what I may want to ask.
Aaron, First, I am so, so sorry for your gargantuan loss. You've captured the horror and grief with such precision, honesty, and realness here. My brother killed himself the same way when he was just 14. My parents and two youngest sisters were at home at the time, completely unaware of his death until the following morning when my mother discovered a locked door and then a cold body in his closet. I was living in NYC at the time with my husband and still remember that call, that tone, similar to what you described of your wife's voice, like yesterday--even though it's been a decade now. Thank you for sharing your story with me--with all of us here on Substack. I hope you and your family are getting the support you need and just know that I'm sending y'all all the love and light from this side of the world. ❤️❤️❤️
I’m sorry about your brother and that your mother had to find him. I talk about how awful it was to get that phone call, but finding our son’s body had to have been much worse.
Thank you for sharing your personal experience and for your positive feedback on my writing.
"No one knows what life is “about,” or what makes it “worth living” or “not,” or what will lead to good or evil on Earth. All we have to give our children is a ticket to this ride, so to speak, and then our best efforts at equipping them for goodness and its prerequisites: health, happiness, wisdom, and so on."
Will be thinking about this from time to time Mills. I loved the entire answer to that question but I love the idea of the ticket to ride.
They say write from the scar, not the wound, and I can feel that in your words Mills. Thanks for sharing your wisdom.
This was hard to read because of how much pain it holds, but also powerful. @Mills Baker admire your tenacity and courage. @Katrina Donham the interview is very well done - it’s honest and thoughtful.
Mills, thank you for this, deeply. My own parents are still around but i have cut them out of my life (for their good and mine) which is it’s own, different thing. I labor under the strange “burden of NOT talking about” some of the events of my own life (a turn of phrase i find useful even though i still cant talk about it). But the clarity, perspective, and dare i say “serenity” you project, whether or not you feel it, is infectious. I really wonder what i will feel when my parents eventually die, and i think you’d dislike me saying youve offered a map but youve certainly offered an example of candor with ones circumstances. We need not lie to ourselves, need not overblow events nor under-state them. They “simply” are. And we can draw conclusions from that and change our lives from that but we cant change *them*. Being able to accept them, in life and death, feels like a path to peace.
Thanks, Mills. God bless you and yours! And thanks Katrina for doing this interview. Wonderful work being done here!
I had to cut mom off for a while, just a bit over two years; when we picked things up again, she’d managed to get a little better about some things and I’d managed to get a little less affected by some things, although I can’t say that the relationship was wholly sound thereafter. That just wasn’t in the cards for us, and it did weigh on me a bit after she died. Abby also cut off her brother, and they never reconciled; he died a few years ago too, not in a suicide, but as a result of a suicidal lifestyle.
It’s no picnic with families, is it? Bless you and yours too, Scoot; you’re the man IMNSHO.
Hi, Scoot! Whew--heard! I cut my dad off over five years ago and have arrived at a more peaceful place in regards to my decision. My relationship with my mother is still somewhat in tact though that has changed a great deal since my brother's suicide. I find that hearing about others' difficult experiences and complex relationships to be comforting, which is why I want to bring light to stories like Mills'. Thank you for reading and sharing what you have here. I hope you find moments of peace.
This was great! I have similar parents, though perhaps my mother is a bit more unstable while my father has yet to develop an addiction. In terms of talking to kids about it - my grandfather died by suicide, and I was told a watered-down version as a kid. And then never told the truth until I started asking questions in my 40s. To realize everything I was told was a lie — I felt, once again, ignored and minimized. Had I not asked what really happened, I never would have learned the beautiful along with the horror, like he died with a picture of me in his wallet - the only picture. I don’t blame my parents so much for not being honest, as society makes it very hard to talk about suicide, especially to kids.
All the things associated with pain and grief can be so overwhelming, especially as one enters parenthood and has to answer the hard questions posed by your little ones. I don't have all the answers, but I'm trying, and by trying, I mean, talking with others about the hard stuff. Thank you for reading, Joy! I am grateful for your support. 🙏🏼💕
Mills, thank you for your generosity in sharing what you've shared here. And I think Scoot is right about how you've laid out a remarkably sound and compassionate way forward for people who struggle with family trauma. And the way you are working to consciously lead by a different example for your own children is incredibly inspiring. Seriously, thank you - I needed this today, and I expect I will need to return to it again in the future. (And thank you to Katrina for providing the space for this conversation to happen and asking such insightful questions).
Agreed, Fog Chaser! Thank you so much for stopping by and reading! ❤️
What a beautiful, deep conversation here. Thank you both!
Thank you, Amber! 🙏🏼💕
What a tremendous interview. Thank you for sharing your very personal insights about your parents and in-laws. I agree that this world, while containing pain and trauma, has a fraction of what the average person dealt with 1000 years ago. I try to remember the beauty, even when I'm at my lowest.
My teen-aged son Lucas died by suicide four years ago. I write about how his death has affected those who knew him and how I’ve been working through the grief. I hope that my writing can help people who have suffered a similar loss.
https://open.substack.com/pub/lifeafterlucas/p/the-day?r=1l1v54&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web&showWelcomeOnShare=false
I cannot imagine, even after reading your post. I’m so sorry for your loss, sincerely. I’ll be thinking of you and your family.
Thank you for the sentiment. I appreciate the openness about your own family and attitudes to what their perspectives were.
Thank you, Aaron, for stopping by and reading my interview with Mills. I'm so sorry for your loss--it is gutting. I'll be sure to check out your Substack soon! ❤️
Thank you for posting your interview. I’ll be conducting a few interviews with people regarding their experiences with Lucas over the next month or so. You’ve given me a few ideas of what I may want to ask.
Aaron, First, I am so, so sorry for your gargantuan loss. You've captured the horror and grief with such precision, honesty, and realness here. My brother killed himself the same way when he was just 14. My parents and two youngest sisters were at home at the time, completely unaware of his death until the following morning when my mother discovered a locked door and then a cold body in his closet. I was living in NYC at the time with my husband and still remember that call, that tone, similar to what you described of your wife's voice, like yesterday--even though it's been a decade now. Thank you for sharing your story with me--with all of us here on Substack. I hope you and your family are getting the support you need and just know that I'm sending y'all all the love and light from this side of the world. ❤️❤️❤️
I’m sorry about your brother and that your mother had to find him. I talk about how awful it was to get that phone call, but finding our son’s body had to have been much worse.
Thank you for sharing your personal experience and for your positive feedback on my writing.
"No one knows what life is “about,” or what makes it “worth living” or “not,” or what will lead to good or evil on Earth. All we have to give our children is a ticket to this ride, so to speak, and then our best efforts at equipping them for goodness and its prerequisites: health, happiness, wisdom, and so on."
Will be thinking about this from time to time Mills. I loved the entire answer to that question but I love the idea of the ticket to ride.
They say write from the scar, not the wound, and I can feel that in your words Mills. Thanks for sharing your wisdom.
Same, Istiaq. Same. Thank you for stopping by to read! 🙏🏼
Such a profound discussion. Thanks to you both.
Thank you, Wendy. ❤️
This was hard to read because of how much pain it holds, but also powerful. @Mills Baker admire your tenacity and courage. @Katrina Donham the interview is very well done - it’s honest and thoughtful.
Thank you, RenoQueen! ❤️