This is such tough stuff to talk about, to do, to stay true to your decision and you are right, even when it's been decided it's still there in the background. I'm so glad you took care of yourself by making the decision to remove your father from your life.
I have a sticky note on my computer monitor that says "I will never leave you." When I first heard that quote it felt like I finally realized for the very first time in my life that I was a good person. I'll bet you can relate.
You should be really proud of yourself for writing and publishing this, Katrina. I hope letting this story hit the air has helped dissipate some of the grief and tension that holding it in has probably caused you over the years.
Katrina, so much of your story mirrors mine, including the death of my brother the same way. I lost mine May 2014. I never distanced myself from my father, however—with him to the end through his alzheimer's and then COVID death. His illness did complicate my feelings towards him and helped me to reconcile and forgive him. It was only through his death that my mom (and I) became free. Thank you for telling your story. I hope it was cathartic to let go some of the pain.
I'm sorry to hear that we share similar life experiences, and I'm also sorry to hear about the tragic loss of your brother and your father. Thank you for sharing a bit of your story with me. It was cathartic to write this--a wave of emotions indeed but mostly relief. What I hope that I've conveyed here is that despite all of this heavy life experience, I have landed in a place of gratitude, hope, and love. I'm so glad that found each other here on Substack! I admire you and your writing and am beyond thankful that you stopped by to read my words and share yours. Thank you.
Beautiful. Brought tears. It’s helpful to remember that though we may do our best - and we usually are - that tho our parents or family may be doing their best - sometimes it’s still lethal and deeply detrimental to our wellbeing - absent any willingness to look in the mirror on their part - we must distance to protect ourselves and in order to grow as ourselves. My experience is that this need not be a grandstand, a one & done choice but a moment by moment practice of to thine own self be true. We can release our loved ones to a greater power - so that it may work on them without our serving as a buffer or target. I must trust that HP to carry me and I know that should change in them ever happen I WILL KNOW - it will be unmistakeable. I relate to that sense of impending ending in these families. Ours was sad and tragic but undramatic. They still continue the charade of “family.” I am so sorry for your loss of Preston - I could barely breathe. What hells these family dynamics create - transgenerational unaddressed trauma. My heart weeps. Solidarity. Love. Above all - thrive! Seize your one true nature and LIVE - your best is good enough because it is conscious and chosen. That is the difference. Perfection and the ideal is a lie that traps us. Let go and know there’s nothing wrong with you (and there never was.)
Thank you, Kelly, for reading my words and sharing yours! I am in a much better place now (thanks to therapy) and find writing about my experience to be cathartic. Sending love right back to you!
Wow. What amazing writing. This was such a refreshingly honest look into a complex and difficult topic. There’s so much heartbreak many of us live with over loss of the “ideal.” I’m really grateful of your framing of best vs ideal.
Your conclusion about living in a world of less criticism…. Whew! May we all strive towards that. Bless you for writing this and publishing. 🙏❤️
Thank you for your kind words and for the time you took to read my story. It means so much. There is so much nuance in every situation, particularly surrounding estrangement, and I think it's important that we discuss these things, openly, so that we can all learn from one another. ❤️
Your story took my breath away. Katrina, I am so sorry that you have gone through this. I am also glad that you have taken the steps you needed to. In solidarity.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read my story. I've read some of your essays, too, and have connected with a lot of the emotions you've experienced--even though our stories are entirely different. I think that's what makes being human so beautiful, our connection with one another via the soul. 🙏❤️
Katrina, your courage in telling this story with such compassion and honesty is a gift. You give voice to pain that is often silenced, and in doing so, you offer understanding, connection, and even hope. Thank you for sharing this.
I can’t imagine the relief you must’ve felt in sending this out into the world. I cried through 3/4 of it lol and the tie-back to Mama Llama at the end? Just a perfect piece of honest writing 🩵🫶🏻
Powerful story, Katrina. I think disconnecting from a parent must be one of the hardest things one can possibly do. Thank you for sharing this with all of the vulnerability and ambivalence, the hurt and panic and love. Giving you a big joyful hug.❤️
This is such tough stuff to talk about, to do, to stay true to your decision and you are right, even when it's been decided it's still there in the background. I'm so glad you took care of yourself by making the decision to remove your father from your life.
I have a sticky note on my computer monitor that says "I will never leave you." When I first heard that quote it felt like I finally realized for the very first time in my life that I was a good person. I'll bet you can relate.
I can totally relate. Thank you, Page, for what you said here. Thinking of you and sending you love! 💕
You should be really proud of yourself for writing and publishing this, Katrina. I hope letting this story hit the air has helped dissipate some of the grief and tension that holding it in has probably caused you over the years.
Thank you, Melissa! ❤️ It was cathartic to write.
Whew I was holding my breath reading this. I’m so glad you have found peace and distance! Love that belly photo
Katrina, so much of your story mirrors mine, including the death of my brother the same way. I lost mine May 2014. I never distanced myself from my father, however—with him to the end through his alzheimer's and then COVID death. His illness did complicate my feelings towards him and helped me to reconcile and forgive him. It was only through his death that my mom (and I) became free. Thank you for telling your story. I hope it was cathartic to let go some of the pain.
I'm sorry to hear that we share similar life experiences, and I'm also sorry to hear about the tragic loss of your brother and your father. Thank you for sharing a bit of your story with me. It was cathartic to write this--a wave of emotions indeed but mostly relief. What I hope that I've conveyed here is that despite all of this heavy life experience, I have landed in a place of gratitude, hope, and love. I'm so glad that found each other here on Substack! I admire you and your writing and am beyond thankful that you stopped by to read my words and share yours. Thank you.
❤️
Beautiful. Brought tears. It’s helpful to remember that though we may do our best - and we usually are - that tho our parents or family may be doing their best - sometimes it’s still lethal and deeply detrimental to our wellbeing - absent any willingness to look in the mirror on their part - we must distance to protect ourselves and in order to grow as ourselves. My experience is that this need not be a grandstand, a one & done choice but a moment by moment practice of to thine own self be true. We can release our loved ones to a greater power - so that it may work on them without our serving as a buffer or target. I must trust that HP to carry me and I know that should change in them ever happen I WILL KNOW - it will be unmistakeable. I relate to that sense of impending ending in these families. Ours was sad and tragic but undramatic. They still continue the charade of “family.” I am so sorry for your loss of Preston - I could barely breathe. What hells these family dynamics create - transgenerational unaddressed trauma. My heart weeps. Solidarity. Love. Above all - thrive! Seize your one true nature and LIVE - your best is good enough because it is conscious and chosen. That is the difference. Perfection and the ideal is a lie that traps us. Let go and know there’s nothing wrong with you (and there never was.)
Thank you, Kelly, for reading my words and sharing yours! I am in a much better place now (thanks to therapy) and find writing about my experience to be cathartic. Sending love right back to you!
It’s clear you e done intensive work. As have I. Still - we grieve. Or I do!
Totally! After I hit “Publish,” I shed a flood of tears. I realized after that I really needed that release. I’m glad you’re in a better place, too!
Wow. What amazing writing. This was such a refreshingly honest look into a complex and difficult topic. There’s so much heartbreak many of us live with over loss of the “ideal.” I’m really grateful of your framing of best vs ideal.
Your conclusion about living in a world of less criticism…. Whew! May we all strive towards that. Bless you for writing this and publishing. 🙏❤️
Thank you for your kind words and for the time you took to read my story. It means so much. There is so much nuance in every situation, particularly surrounding estrangement, and I think it's important that we discuss these things, openly, so that we can all learn from one another. ❤️
Your story took my breath away. Katrina, I am so sorry that you have gone through this. I am also glad that you have taken the steps you needed to. In solidarity.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read my story. I've read some of your essays, too, and have connected with a lot of the emotions you've experienced--even though our stories are entirely different. I think that's what makes being human so beautiful, our connection with one another via the soul. 🙏❤️
Agree - it is a human experience of being on an emotional rollercoaster.
❤️❤️❤️
Thank you, Evelyn! ❤️❤️❤️
Katrina, your courage in telling this story with such compassion and honesty is a gift. You give voice to pain that is often silenced, and in doing so, you offer understanding, connection, and even hope. Thank you for sharing this.
Thank you for stopping by to read and showing this piece some love, Erin. I really appreciate your support! ❤️
I can’t imagine the relief you must’ve felt in sending this out into the world. I cried through 3/4 of it lol and the tie-back to Mama Llama at the end? Just a perfect piece of honest writing 🩵🫶🏻
Thank you, Violet! 💗 It means so much to me to have my words read and received. It really is the greatest gift.
Powerful story, Katrina. I think disconnecting from a parent must be one of the hardest things one can possibly do. Thank you for sharing this with all of the vulnerability and ambivalence, the hurt and panic and love. Giving you a big joyful hug.❤️
Thank you, Mary! I feel that hug. And, I always appreciate your feedback and encouragement! ❤️ I hope you're doing well.
Thanks for the good wishes, Katrina. Things are looking up. Back to business soon, I hope.❤️
Thank you, Joy! I held my breath publishing it. I think I still am. Anyway, I appreciate you reading my words. ❤️