Thank you for your insight. My teen-aged son Lucas died by suicide four years ago. His younger sister was 15 when he died. While she has been remarkably stoic about his death. I have to wonder how much of it is her repressing guilt over their tumultuous relationship. Over the years I haven’t gotten much out of her until about a month ago when we talked about it on a deeper level.
You're welcome Aaron, and thank you for commenting. I'm so sorry, there are no words and while I wrote this as a sibling, I have a little more context since becoming a parent.
If I may offer a thought? It is also very common for siblings to feel immense pressure to be stoic for their parents. This is nobody's fault, simply the dynamics of what happens. It is one of the few things you feel you can do, to spare your parents that additional pain. If you have been able to have a deeper conversation recently, this is very significant.
Thank you for the perspective of what it’s like losing a sibling. Feeling a sense of duty and not wanting to cause my wife or me further pain certainly fits my daughter’s personality.
Oddly enough it was through interviewing her for this platform that got her to open up. I hadn’t had a conversation with her like this before. Here’s the interview if you’re interested.
Thank you for putting words to this aspect of grief. In our Western culture, we don’t “do” death well. And the ways we “do” grief can cause more harm than good. So we need all the good teachers we can get on the topic—and you’re a good teacher.
I have mentors in this area as well—each of whom inspired me to become a hospice volunteer. Mentors like Stephen Jenkinson, Francis Weller, Gabor Maté, and Bessel Van der Kolk. And the Elders from Indigenous First Nations Peoples.
Hi, Kert! Thank you for reading and leaving this thoughtful comment. I agree with you that our culture doesn't "do" death well. It's an unfortunate thing, isn't it? Death is very much a part of our world--as much as life is. I wish that things weren't this way, but they are. I am interested in digging into the mentors you've listed, as I'm only familiar with Gabor Mate. Thanks!
Thank you for your insight. My teen-aged son Lucas died by suicide four years ago. His younger sister was 15 when he died. While she has been remarkably stoic about his death. I have to wonder how much of it is her repressing guilt over their tumultuous relationship. Over the years I haven’t gotten much out of her until about a month ago when we talked about it on a deeper level.
You're welcome Aaron, and thank you for commenting. I'm so sorry, there are no words and while I wrote this as a sibling, I have a little more context since becoming a parent.
If I may offer a thought? It is also very common for siblings to feel immense pressure to be stoic for their parents. This is nobody's fault, simply the dynamics of what happens. It is one of the few things you feel you can do, to spare your parents that additional pain. If you have been able to have a deeper conversation recently, this is very significant.
I wish you and your daughter all the very best.
Thank you for the perspective of what it’s like losing a sibling. Feeling a sense of duty and not wanting to cause my wife or me further pain certainly fits my daughter’s personality.
Oddly enough it was through interviewing her for this platform that got her to open up. I hadn’t had a conversation with her like this before. Here’s the interview if you’re interested.
https://open.substack.com/pub/lifeafterlucas/p/loss-of-a-sibling-an-interview-with?r=1l1v54&utm_medium=ios
Thank you for putting words to this aspect of grief. In our Western culture, we don’t “do” death well. And the ways we “do” grief can cause more harm than good. So we need all the good teachers we can get on the topic—and you’re a good teacher.
I have mentors in this area as well—each of whom inspired me to become a hospice volunteer. Mentors like Stephen Jenkinson, Francis Weller, Gabor Maté, and Bessel Van der Kolk. And the Elders from Indigenous First Nations Peoples.
Hi, Kert! Thank you for reading and leaving this thoughtful comment. I agree with you that our culture doesn't "do" death well. It's an unfortunate thing, isn't it? Death is very much a part of our world--as much as life is. I wish that things weren't this way, but they are. I am interested in digging into the mentors you've listed, as I'm only familiar with Gabor Mate. Thanks!